Did you ever felt hurt by someone’s behaviour? Did they say something the made you feel hurt, unappreciated, attacked? When this happens we feel like the person wants to attack us, like they clearly have something against us as individuals. So often we react from this place of feeling attacked, trying to defend ourselves. Well, all this is not an attack towards us, in fact it is never about us, it’s always about them
We all filter everything through the mirrors of our souls. If we feel unworthy, everything we see around is obstacles and people trying to take what we believe belongs to us. If we feel there is no love on earth, no matter how much affection someone shows us we will look for hidden meanings in that affectionate behaviour. It’s not because we don’t want to be happy, but because we don’t know how to access this feeling and we look for it outside ourselves.
I got to realise a lot about why people hurt each other during the times I was working on healing some inner issues. My problem was my mother. As a child I didn’t feel enough love from her, as a teenager I felt I didn’t count in her life and later I felt I will never be able to make her happy. All these feelings were totally valid and came from my mother’s over-criticism towards everything and everyone.
Her critics hurt me for quite a long time. Why? Maybe because I always felt it is in my nature to help people and who else I would want to help most than my own family members? Or maybe because I could feel the reality was different than what she was trying to show outside herself.
There were times I even put the blame on her. I thought she is the reason for what I considered as failures in my life, I thought she was the reason for me not trusting myself enough or spending many years looking for validation outside myself. I thought she harmed me with her way of dealing with life.
What changed my perspective was stepping on the path of self-healing. The Universe works quite simple: whatever you decide you want in the present moment, that’s what you get. So when I decided I want to heal, the opportunities for healing appeared to me in many forms and from many directions.
What I learned about myself in the process was that it was entirely my choice to believe or not my mother’s criticism. She may have said hard words to me, but it was my decision to believe them, it was my decision to give my power away and allow her words to become truth for me. My purpose was to help make her happy, but you cannot make anyone happy, unless they choose to be happy.
Going further into all my hurtful feelings, memories started now to come up. Things long forgotten came back to surface in order to be noticed and healed. There was one particular memory though that brought this realisation to me adding a lot of healing in my heart. Out of the blue I remembered my mother criticising mothers who take good care of themselves, considering when you have children you give your all to them and forget about yourself.
That was the moment all my life came back to me in a flash and the words I heard in my mind were: it is never about us, it is always about them.
My mother always loved me, cared for me, worried for me and wanted the best for me. Why she chose to do this by always criticising me (and others)? It was because she had to build protective walls around herself so that she could cope with her own life.
She chose criticism towards others to help herself forget her own unrealised dreams. She must have had to give up a lot in her life and maybe she still does out of a feeling of duty or maybe because this is the only way she knows life can be lived. Her choice was to create a different world for herself in her mind, a world that doesn’t always match the reality, but this was the way she could cope with her own life.
So when she criticises someone or something, it’s not that a person or thing is not good, it’s only her own way of coping with her feelings. It is her way of feeling herself good enough while she has an impulse to compare herself with everyone else.
I could see now that criticising my parenting skills was not about me, it was about her fear of letting her children fly free, having the faith they will be just fine. Using blaming words about me leaving my country of origin was not about me, but about her own fear of leaving the town she grew up in. Maybe she dreamt of a different life, in another place, in another time, in another world.
One day she pointed to me that she stayed close to her parents but her children didn’t do the same. I remember her blaming many times people in other cultures who raised their children up to a certain age and then let them go. And that makes me wonder: how far she dreamt of flying? How many time she must have felt all she wants is to move away?
Who knows how much she gave up in her life, who knows how much she felt she had to sacrifice and how much all these feelings shaped who she is today? Who knows where all of us will be in the future?
This made me look further to all kind of reactions I find in myself and those around me and wonder: is it really that someone wants to hurt you when they behave in a way that you disapprove of? In fact it is not. Any kind of behaviour that we display has nothing to do with anybody else than ourselves. No matter how strong we feel that someone wronged us, their actions come from their inner beliefs and feelings and our reaction comes from our own inner being. Yes, the way we perceive someone’s actions may feel as if it is directed to us, but in fact that person may have no idea how much it affects us.
The same goes the other way around. We so often use words or take actions that hurt those around us and we may not understand why they are hurt. It is said “I’m sorry” are the hardest words to say, while they have so much healing power. Maybe if we say “I love you” and “i’m sorry” more often, the world will become a better place.
Even if someone tries to deliberately hurt another being, it’s not because of the other person, it is the inner problem that makes this person want to hurt others. They may try to take away their own burden and think if they pour it on another it may go away.
In fact, if someone hurts your feelings, send them love and a prayer. This doesn’t mean you have to accept any negative behaviour towards yourself. In such case removing yourself from that hurtful environment is the best thing to do. Just that after you remove yourself from the environment, it’s better to let go of it. It’s good to understand it is not about you, but about that person’s wounded heart and their way of dealing with their own feelings.
If we can’t find what we feel inside ourselves, we will always find it in others. If we can’t understand what we feel, we will project it outside ourselves trying to see it that way.
I got to understand the teachings about forgiveness, unconditional love and inner peace. Yes, we can forgive and love everyone as long as we understand it is never about us. When we can see that all we do is to project our own feelings outside ourselves, we understand that the essence of living beings is pure love. All the rest is only an illusion. And when we get to this realisation, forgiveness and unconditional love become more than just words. We start understanding their meaning.
If you went through similar experiences, if there are things you can’t find the strength to forgive and let go, or if you did ket go of pst wounds, I would love to hear your story in the comments below.
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